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Dickerdoodle 2011 winners
Posted by News Fetcher on January 09 '12 at 12:01 PM
By Gabe from Penny Arcade:
First Place!



Congratulations to PA reader and huge pervert Desirae! I love the “Vaginger Snaps” but for me this one wins because of the incredible depiction of cookie penetration.

Second Place!



A disgusting re-imagining of a classic kids game. Love the sperm!

Third Place!



The camel’s humps are the testicles! Truly inspired.

I’ll be contacting the winners today. The top three listed here will all get a special Penny Arcade prize pack of stuff from our store.

Here is a gallery with a few more entries that I loved but didn’t quite make the cut. This is very NSFW! You have been warned.

Thanks to everyone who entered. You are all perverts and I love you!

-Gabe out

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Bedeviled
Posted by News Fetcher on January 09 '12 at 09:15 AM
From Penny Arcade:


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PAX East
Posted by News Fetcher on January 06 '12 at 01:00 PM
By Gabe from Penny Arcade:
PAX East (or as I like to call it, PAX Easter) is coming up on April 6th through the 8th. We recognize that this falls on a holiday for some of you. The problem, is that we are at the mercy of the convention center when it comes to dates. Trust me when I tell you we didn’t pick Easter just to be jerks. However, even with PAX falling on such a holy day, we are still 90% sold out of 3 day badges! Sinners.

There are also a few PAX related deadlines that are fast approaching:

-1/15/12 is the deadline for submissions to our Boston Indie Showcase.

This is a contest open to indie developers who have a mobile game they’d like to show off at PAX east.

-2/1/12 is the deadline for PAX East panel submissions.

Is there something you’d like to say to the gaming community? Well this is the place to do it.

We’ve got a great space in Boston for the show. Those of you who attended last year know just how massive the Boston Convention Center is. That said, we will still sell out of badges. At PAX prime this year we had a problem with counterfeit badges that really messed with our numbers. We tried to accommodate those badges and it made for long lines and big crowds. It’s also a very real safety issue. So at PAX East we have kicked our anti-counterfeiting measures up significantly. We also will not be able to let you into the show if you don’t have the real deal. So buy your badge from us or if you have to buy it someplace else please, please, please be smart about it.

-Gabe out

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Crowdsourcing
Posted by News Fetcher on January 06 '12 at 10:45 AM
By Tycho from Penny Arcade:
Battleship Galaxies is a tactical boardgame, and it features hexes, which grants it an unassailable seven out of ten points straight out of the box. Things can only go up from there, and for the most part they do. Tom Vasel has a good review here, one that has it right in my opinion, which is another way of saying that he agrees with me: It’s good. But I’m ready for advanced rules. Or ships. Anything.
More.

It was this desire for increased “crunch” that caused me to seek out Star Trek: Fleet Captains. Ships, hexes, and click bases which allow you to “transfer power to shields” in precisely the fashion one has always wanted to. Plusses in every column. Gabriel began to simmer, first in the eyes, the eye region, and then he began to whittle words to a sharp point and throw them. His basic contention was that we hadn’t wrung Battleship Galaxies out yet, and there was something rude in this. He made some kind of pet analogy, where I did something to his dog, something bad presumably. I suggested it was more like I had secured a crocodile for a pet, which then proceeded to devour his pet.
In any event I held off to palliate him, and also because I’d read some spooky stuff about broken bits. I understand WizKids is very good at replacements when it happens, but it was enough to give Battleship Galaxies a reprieve. Before we move on to a new game, Gabriel should probably be allowed to win a round of this one.

Seems fair.
< article continued at Penny Arcade >

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Crowdsourcing
Posted by News Fetcher on January 05 '12 at 11:15 PM
From Penny Arcade:


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An idea I had
Posted by News Fetcher on January 05 '12 at 10:02 AM
By Gabe from Penny Arcade:
I’m a big Disney fan. I love the theme parks and the movies and all of it. On our recent trip to the Aulani resort I saw all the kids getting autographs from the various characters in their little Disney autograph books. I’ve always felt sort of like a mascot at PAX. I’m not responsible for running the event. I’m out on the floor meeting people and taking pictures and stuff. I am very much like Mickey Mouse at Disney land. Or maybe one of the Princesses. So I thought what if we had a Penny Arcade autograph book.

Right now I sign a ton of badges at PAX, and programs. At San Diego Comic con I sign random scraps of paper or the backs of free posters from other booths. I think it might be cool to have a special book that you could buy in our store before an event and bring with you to the show. I’m thinking a small book with drawings of all the Penny Arcade people and under each picture a little hint about where they can be found. So obviously it will have Tycho and I but it will also have Robert, Kiko, Erika and everyone else that you’ve seen on PATV along with a little note about where you’re likely to spot them. We’d also include a bunch of blank pages for all the other awesome people you might catch at PAX like the RvB guys or MC Frontalot.

Personally I think this would be a really great souvenir from the show. I pitched the idea to Brian our merchandise guy and he likes it but before we rush out and print it he’d like to hear from you guys. Let’s say it costs around ten bucks, is this something you’d like to have? I put up a poll so you could weigh in. Let us know what you think and it won’t hurt my feelings if you think it’s a stupid idea.

-Gabe out

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Proven Strategies
Posted by News Fetcher on January 03 '12 at 11:15 PM
From Penny Arcade:


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Side Effects May Include
Posted by News Fetcher on January 02 '12 at 11:30 AM
By Tycho from Penny Arcade:
DAS RIGHT MOTHAFUCKAS



Here is today’s strip, which I will get into momentarily, but I’ve just now realized that I could leave this graphic up and nine times out of ten it would probably be fine.
Writing The Trenches every week is a high point for me. I wasn’t entirely certain that “opening our relationship” to incorporate a third conscious being would result in even a single strip being created. I was wrong, though. We’ve made tons.
Scott Kurtz thirsts for communion; his working modality is to engage in what Brenna would call “Stitch and Bitch.” Gabriel and I talk about random shit when we are spinning up, but Scott wants to talk about actual things: relationships, boudoir proclivities. In other words: real talk. Two sessions ago, our Scott-directed dialogue necessitated diagrams from each of us in order to elucidate certain particulars. I went over to take a picture of it, so you could see, but his drawing is more or less photorealistic. Mine incorporated a devil mask, an altar, and a pitchfork, not to mention four mottled feet of brutal, almost scythe-like dong. Gabriel’s depicted a fairly normal scenario of two people doin’ it, which he seemed to think represented some radical new sexual technology.
Last time we entered the comic strip equivalent of “the hexagon,” I revealed my endurance secret. Hence the strip.
Upon his completion of TOR’s Esseles “Flashpoint,” which a World of Warcraft player might call an “instance” even though there isn’t really a direct analogy, Gabriel sent me a mail which read:

Start playing star wars

< article continued at Penny Arcade >

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Side Effects May Include
Posted by News Fetcher on January 02 '12 at 12:15 AM
From Penny Arcade:


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Christmas Eve D&D
Posted by News Fetcher on December 30 '11 at 04:45 PM
By Gabe from Penny Arcade:
I was asked to run a D&D game on Christmas Eve for my wife and some friends. I decided to take the opportunity to try and give them an Christmas themed adventure. I kicked around a lot of ideas that mostly involved helping Santa. Then I thought of A Christmas Carol and it seemed ready made for a D&D adventure.

My first problem was figuring out a way to fit the party into the story. Initially I considered having them fight each ghost on behalf of an unrepentant Scrooge. I was excited by the idea of building monsters based on each of the spirits. That option removed the emotional payload of the story though. I thought my players would rather facilitate the redemption of Scrooge along with the ghosts rather than destroy them. So I needed a reason for the spirits to want/need the parties help.

I had the party start out in the town of Grayce. I explained they they had been gone on for a month collecting materials for a special medicine. The stable master’s son has fallen terribly ill and lacking a proper cleric in the town he is reallying on the old women and their folk remedies. The party returns from the errand late at night and rushes immediately to the stable master’s home. Here I turned the reigns over to my players and let them speak with the father and mother as well as inspect the boy. After a bit of discussion they discovered the boy’s name is Timothy and that the town is ruled by a greedy, evil lord. I saw a few smiles go around the table and then they asked about the lord’s name. “Why it is the same as before you left on your quest. Ebeneezer Scrooge.” says the boy’s father Bob Cratchet. The realization was a great moment and the party decided they wanted to go meet scrooge right away.

They were in a hurry to go but I read them this as they left the Cratchet home.

< article continued at Penny Arcade >

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Fungible Assets
Posted by News Fetcher on December 29 '11 at 11:15 PM
From Penny Arcade:


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I wwebsite as on the internet
Posted by News Fetcher on December 28 '11 at 10:45 AM
By Gabe from Penny Arcade:
Wow, that escalated quickly! There is even a humerous web video! Kotaku has an article that covers how this whole Ocean Marketing thing is winding down. It seems Ocean Marketing is “out of business” and Paul is no longer representing the Avenger. A new PR guy has been brought in to try and right their sinking ship. I think it’s fair to try and separate Paul’s actions from the actual product. It’s very possible that he was simply the marketing guy here but I’ve also heard that he is at least a part owner in N-control the company that makes the Avenger. I’ll be very curious see how this all shakes out.

I don’t know if anyone is actually attacking Paul’s wife and kid. Honestly I don’t even know if he has a wife and kid. Maybe the mayor of Boston is his wife? Anyway, If they are real, none of this is their fault and I think we can all agree that they should be left alone.

The comic today is 100% true. I was grinning all night as Paul sent me each new email. I am absolutely an unapologetic asshole, but I try as best I can to be your asshole.

Hmm, that didn’t come out quite right.

-Gabe out

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Real Talk
Posted by News Fetcher on December 28 '11 at 07:15 AM
By Tycho from Penny Arcade:
We weren’t entirely certain how long Semen “Week” could possibly last;
we simply had two strips, two data points, which was enough to draw a
line. But it’s not like we’re philosophically dedicated to the
fluid. Plus, I have someone in my employ who is obligated to create
literally any logo I tell him to. Like this one, let’s say.



It’s hard to resist using such a power for evil, very hard, which is
why I don’t ever resist it.

I am notorious primarily for my association with Mike Krahulik, as
opposed to anything I ever did; I befriended someone interesting
almost twenty years ago which ultimately resulted in my making .jpegs
for a living. I’d like to say I know why I did that, took that
initial step, but I don’t. I’d like to say that I sensed some
complimentary shape in his mind, a fact which has certainly
been borne out. Perhaps I recognized not an equal, but an opposite:
someone with whom I could, in aggregation, amount to a single useful
being. Either of those would be nice, but they’ve got that retcon
tang. What I understood at some level was that if I had the
choice of being his friend or his enemy, I should choose the former.
He is like a Goddamned animal in many ways and is not to be fucked
with. Especially
if you’re in the wrong
, but even if you think you’re right.

Even if you are right.

I’m telling you this because I’m perpetually right and I still can’t
win with this fucker. I am the monk, and <a
href="http://www.egodialogues.com/words-language/2monks-scorpio.php">he
is the scorpion</a>. I like to tell it that way because it makes my
laziness and banality seem like virtues.

(CW)TB out.

<a>here i am

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Real Talk
Posted by News Fetcher on December 28 '11 at 07:15 AM
From Penny Arcade:


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an update
Posted by News Fetcher on December 27 '11 at 03:16 PM
By Gabe from Penny Arcade:
I just wanted to post an update with some of the stuff that has happened over on my end with regards to all this Ocean Marketing stuff.

Around midnight last night Paul sent me a mail saying that I could expect to hear from their attorneys. As of right now that still has not happened and honestly I don’t expect it will. Our attorneys (who are real people with an office and everything) are ready should it get to that point though.

At 7:12am this morning I got another mail from Paul. It was one line and simply said:

“You have the power Mike Please make it stop”

The reality is that once I had posted the emails I didn’t have the power anymore. The Internet had it now and nothing I said or did was going to change that.

An hour later I got a more complete apology:

Hey Mike,

I just wanted to apologize for the way our emails progressed I didn’t know how big your site was and I really didn’t believe you ran Pax , So for what’s its worth I am very sorry. Your post has obviously made my life very difficult and I have not slept yet dealing with all the spam and personal information intrusion as well as my family being smeared on the internet.

If you can please accept my apology and anything you can do to help if not me my son and wife please do. I have apologized to Dave and apologized to you what else can I do please tell me so I can make things good. I obviously care or I would not be emailing you.


< article continued at Penny Arcade >

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Just Wow!
Posted by News Fetcher on December 26 '11 at 11:45 PM
By Gabe from Penny Arcade:
I got an incredible email today from a Penny Arcade reader. Dave shared with me an email chain between him and Ocean Marketing (the folks behind the Avenger controller) Trust me when I tell you that this is one wild ride. I’m serious, Mr. Toad would look at this ride and just give a slow clap while shaking his head. I have tried to arrange this as best I can in chronological order. I’ve also removed email addresses and other private information. So let’s just jump right in, here is Dave’s first mail to Ocean Marketing:

From: Dave

To: Ocean Marketing

Dec 16, 2011, at 1:34 PM

I ordered 2 of the upcoming PS3 controllers (invoice xxxxxxxxx—Nov 3, 2011). Any chance of getting an update of when these items will ship? I’m not really happy about being forced to pay upfront then have the advertised date of “Early December” be completely missed without any sort of update on availability. I really need one of them for a X-mas present as well. Anyways, looking forward to finally using one of these bad boys. Thanks and happy holidays.

-Dave

From: Ocean Marketing

To: Dave

Dec 16, 2011 2:45 PM

Dec 17

- Paul Christoforo

From: Dave

To: Ocean Marketing

Dec 19, 2011, at 11:02 AM

Thanks for the reply Paul. Can you clarify whether my particular order already sent or if Dec 17 was the first day shipments went out? I have not received any sort of shipping confirmation email or tracking information.

From: Ocean Marketing

To: Dave

Dec 19, 2011 11:21 AM

They still haven’t shipped yet on the way here from china

From: Dave

To: Ocean Marketing

Dec 20, 2011 4:29 PM

So then delivery to customer doors by December 24th is no longer likely correct? Do you have an estimated date of when units will arrive in California? Thanks.

From: Ocean Marketing

To: Dave

Dec 20, 2011 5:11 PM

They are in the USA now in customs so its wither before or after Christmas.

From: Dave
< article continued at Penny Arcade >

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Good Data
Posted by News Fetcher on December 26 '11 at 10:45 AM
By Tycho from Penny Arcade:
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! That’s right, I’m talking about



When we were codifying today’s strip, Gabriel was worried that people (you, presumably) wouldn’t understand that the story was in fact true. I said that we could begin the comic with “True Story,” which is the customary procedure for tales of an ambiguous authenticity. But he countered, and rightly, with the assertion that the strip is itself a realm of thoroughly questionable provenance, and insertion into that space subjects any claim to the devolving effects of its “Whopper Field.”

So, let me be clear, in my zone of marginally increased veracity: TRUE.
For Christmas this year, I gave the gift of Crokinole. It’s a board game in the “action” or “dexterity” vein, which means that unlike most games that have risen to prominence in the global Eurogame revolution, at no point does one amass wheat.


< article continued at Penny Arcade >

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Good Data
Posted by News Fetcher on December 26 '11 at 08:30 AM
From Penny Arcade:


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New PATV
Posted by News Fetcher on December 23 '11 at 12:45 PM
By Gabe from Penny Arcade:
This week, on a very special Penny Arcade TV…

Episode six of my life is online now. Recently it’s been wedding central around this place. This latest episode attempts to document the ridiculous amount of love getting proclaimed up in this joint.



-Gabe out

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The Maestro
Posted by News Fetcher on December 22 '11 at 11:15 PM
By Tycho from Penny Arcade:
I wore the only sweats I had one day, ancient sweats, because I had to go to the gym and be debased by a man I’m ostensibly paying to improve me. Their coating of wholly undefined materials in the “cream” color spectrum brought me no end of abuse at work, which lead to today’s strip. It’s here, and that’s how we’re kicking off…



It’s like Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, but with one key difference.
I played through the whole of Assassin’s Creed: Revelations on a debug kit, though I understand it was the final version. Having consumed the campaign in its entirety, I didn’t know if I was going to purchase the retail game even though I loved the multi last time around. This was until Kiko - our group’s other Scout - applied only the slightest pressure.
If you weren’t already aware, the multiplayer in Assassin’s Creed is very much like the single player game in terms of its traversal stuff, it’s meandering throngs, and its ubiquitous hay bales. Except instead of unravelling a multimillenial plot, you’re skulking around trying to get one kill at a time while trying to look increeeeeedibly noooooormal.
< article continued at Penny Arcade >

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